Boys Have a Penis, Girls Have a Vagina
A dad's guide to the 'talk.'
My son turned 12 last week. The puberty talk is looming, and I want to give him more than "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina..."
Puberty is designed by God for the glory of God. And I want my son to understand that.
Puberty is one of those moments in a young man's life that, as fathers, we do not want to waste [or miss]. Puberty provides a tremendous teaching moment if only we lean in.
Growing up, I had little experience with such moments; I learned about puberty and the inevitable changes in my body at the middle school lunch table. This was not helpful—it involved a lot of inappropriate and inaccurate discussion wrapped in an infatuation with boobs.
My father simply avoided the conversation [I'm guessing his father did the same]. In fact, most men I counsel never had the 'talk.' At best, dad threw a magazine/book at them and said, "If you have any questions, let me know." More times than not, dad just ignored the issue, leaving a generation of young men confused and wondering why their voice [and penis] were changing...
I am determined that my son will know what is happening and, more importantly, why these changes are happening. Puberty, after all, is designed by God for the glory of God. Feel free to use the below and pass it on to other dads looking for direction.
Puberty for the Glory of God: A Dad's Guide to the Talk
Son, you're gonna sweat, and you're gonna smell. It's inevitable.
Biology: As you mature, your body will perspire. This is a good thing—sweating helps regulate your body temperature—as your sweat evaporates from the skin, it takes with it heat, which cools you down. The bad news is your sweat contains small amounts of urea, salts, and other substances that your body is excreting. The result is a salty residue on your skin and a not-so-pleasing smell.
You're going to need to shower—every day. And wear deodorant— every day. Ax body spray wouldn't hurt, either.
Theology: Let sweat and stench remind you of the grace and mercy of God. Every day, you engage with the world, and inevitably, the world will rub off on you. The grime and stink of this world wants to cling to you. Every day, you get to guard against the dirt and stink, and when you get some of the world on you [and you will get the world on you], take heart, you can shower before bed and wake up 'so fresh and so clean' the next day.
Verse(s):
"Sometimes, I get a little world on me and in me..." — Paul [Romans 7:15]
"[God's mercies] are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." — Lamentations 3:23
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." — 1 John 1:9
Your face will look and feel greasy. It is not as bad as you think.
Biology: Son, your hormones are changing, and these changes stimulate your sebaceous glands, which produce oil (sebum), which makes your skin [especially your face] appear greasy and shiny.
Don't sweat it [pun intended]—this is natural. A good face soap, and you're home free. Acne may result from an over-productive sebaceous gland, but this, too, shall pass.
Theology: Think of the oil on your face as a divine shield. Everything you come into contact with pretty much wants to kill you. The sun wants to kill you. The wind wants to kill you. Since Genesis 3, all of these nature[al] forces are out to get you, and the oil on your skin helps protect you from these forces. Oily skin is your first and best defense as you go cultivating and subduing the world.
Verse(s):
"You have dominion over the earth" — Gen 1:26
"...cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face..." — Gen. 3:17-19
"Mount up, strap up. Put on the full armor of God to stand firm against the devil..." — Paul [Eph. 6:10-18]
Curls for the girls, tris for the guys, and don't skip leg day!
Biology: Son, your testosterone levels are about to increase 10-fold [on average], which means your muscles are about to grow [which includes mass, bone growth, and stature]. Growing strong, healthy muscles is a good thing. Men should be physically strong, and you need to start thinking about shaping and maintaining your temple. It is time to learn the two greatest exercises in the world: pushups and pull-ups. Your door frames will never be the same...
Theology: God gave you strong hands and a strong back because He expects you to work [provide] and protect [the weak]. God does not need our good works, but our neighbors do. Your physical strength is a gift from God, and when you channel and direct that gift in life-giving ways [rejecting violence and passivity], you become an agent of growth and human flourishing.
Verse(s):
"The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it." — Gen. 2:15
"In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" — Acts 20:35
"And to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands..." — 1 Thess. 4:11
"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." — Gal. 5:13-14
"Protect and care for orphans and widows" — James [James 1:27]
Daddy sang bass. Momma sang tenor
Biology: Son, your voice will squeak, crack, and deepen. Your larynx [voice box] is growing bigger, causing your vocal cords to lengthen and thicken. The result? It's like Barry White and Johnny Cash had a baby... We're dropping octaves!
Theology: You are unique; God has given you specific gifts and talents. Use them. Before now, when you opened your mouth, you sounded like your 10-year-old sister; we couldn't tell where she began and where you ended. Not anymore. God has given you your own voice—a distinct voice—one completely different from your female counterparts. Find your voice. Use your voice to worship and glorify Him.
Verse(s):
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship." — Romans 12:1
"Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire." — Hebrews 12:28-29
"Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth! Serve the LORD with gladness! Come into his presence with singing!" — Psalm 100:1-2
Last but not least: Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.
Biology: Son, men and women are biologically different—we were created to complement one another. Your testicles are gonna drop [change, get bigger], and it will feel like your penis has a mind of its own. This is natural. Your body, specifically your reproductive organs [testies & penis], are beginning to produce sperm; your penis will grow, and at times, as blood flows through your penis, it will harden. This anatomical change is good because God has a design and plan for this change.
Theology: As a man, God wants you to populate and fill the earth. This means we need to talk about sex and desire...
The world wants you empty. Culture promotes and celebrates barrenness. Empty wombs. Empty Churches. Empty dining tables and homes. Empty minds. Empty hearts. Empty faith. The enemy wants you depleted and dejected.
God is not a God of barrenness, He is a God of abundance. Thus, He commands you [us]: "Be fruitful and multiply." Because God wants you to be fruitful, He has given you two gifts: sex and sexual desire.
Sex: Sex is one of God's greatest gifts. And the physical act of sex [your penis in her vagina] is the ultimate physical, emotional, and spiritual connection between a man and a woman. This is why sex is only between a husband and a wife and must not be extended to others before marriage or during marriage [Matthew 5:27,28]. Sex must not be stirred up or awakened until the time is right [Song of Solomon 8:4]. And sex is to be practiced regularly throughout a marriage [1 Corinthians 7:1-5]. The gift of sex is a unique means by which a husband and wife can know one another, serve one another, and express vulnerability as they give and receive. Sex carries with it the gifts of intimacy and pleasure and serves as the chief vehicle in fulfilling the creation mandate: "Be fruitful and multiply." Sex is meant to be enjoyed only between a husband and wife. This is why God forbids pre-marital sex [fornication], why he forbids extra-marital sex [adultery], and why he even forbids selfish sex [masturbation]. All these things make a mockery of the real thing. All these things abuse His good gift.
Sexual Desire: God gives men a sexual desire because God wants us to have sex with our wives. The desire to put your penis in your wife's vagina is good; it is a gift from God, given to promote intimacy and the proliferation of the human race [you would not be here without it!]. When your sexual desire is aroused, it is not an invitation to pornography and masturbation but a nudge toward the marriage bed that you will one day occupy. To direct your desire [or be overcome by desire] in any context outside the marriage bed is to abuse God's good gift of desire.
Verse(s):
"Let marriage be held in honor among all." — Proverbs 18:22
"Get married before you burn the whole place down..." — Paul [1 Corinthians 7:9]
"God does not approve of polygamy, homosexual acts, or couples living together without marriage." — 1 Corinthians 6:9
"Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body." — 1 Corinthians 6:18
That about covers it. Stinky, sweaty, awkward, crackling voiced, sex-crazed boys... all moving towards the glory of God.
Don't waste puberty. Use the 'talk' to the glory of God.
— Harp
Shout out to my guy Dan Panetti for inspiring this post… Also, does it get any better than Arnold as a Kindergarten teacher?
Looking for a great primer after your son’s voice [and testies] drop? Why not introduce him to a biblically accurate, theologically solid definition of manhood? You can find it HERE and HERE.
My magical moment to share the birds and the bees came as my 12-year-old and I were on the way to a football game at the University of Arkansas on a Saturday morning, and we passed a two-headed cow. We looked at each other and realized, in different ways, we needed to talk. Well done my friend, a very good word.
Great stuff Harp! Love you brother.