Toolbelt

Every Man Needs Tools

Roughly one in three young men [32%] grow up without a father in the home. But that number doesn’t tell the whole story. Many more grow up as what I call 'functional orphans,' men with a father who is physically present but emotionally and spiritually absent. He provides food, but not formation. He’s home, but not available. He may be sitting on the couch, but he’s scrolling through a screen. He’s there in body, but his heart and attention are somewhere else. I’m not sure which is worse—to be an actual orphan who doesn’t know what he’s missing, or a functional orphan who sees his father every day yet never feels seen. Father absence isn’t always about geography. Sometimes it’s about attention. Sometimes it’s about affection withheld, or words never spoken, or a blessing never given. That kind of absence can leave a deeper scar than distance ever could.

But there is another category, what I call 'spiritual orphans,' young men raised in church during the seeker-sensitive attractional era [roughly 1990–2005]. They experienced pizza, Xbox, and basketball, but very little discipleship. They learned how to attend church, but not how to walk with God. They knew youth pastors with gelled hair and clever slogans, but not older men who could guide them through temptation, failure, and purpose.

When I look at the landscape today, I contend that more than 70% of young men grow up without a life-giving father figure. Some lost their fathers to divorce or death. Others lost them to distraction, workaholism, addiction, or emotional detachment. Still others grew up in church but never saw a spiritual father model the faith in flesh and blood. They are the fatherless, the functional orphans, and the spiritually abandoned. They grow up without a guide.

The sociological consequences are staggering. Studies consistently show that fatherlessness is the single most significant predictor of poverty, incarceration, depression, and suicide among young men. The deeper crisis is spiritual. When there is no guide to bless, name, and guide, a man spends his life searching for those things in other places. He looks for identity in performance, approval, or pleasure. He longs for the masculine voice that says, “This is who you are. This is what you’re made for.” And when that voice never comes, he listens to the counterfeit ones that shout louder—voices that tell him manhood means dominance, indulgence, or detachment.

The crisis of fatherlessness is not just a family issue—it’s a discipleship issue. When men step back, the enemy steps in. When fathers grow passive, sons are lost. We need a generation of men who will re-enter the fight. Men who will stop outsourcing fatherhood to the state, the screen, or the school. Men who will choose presence over comfort, courage over convenience, and faithfulness over distraction.

If you are a man reading this—father, stepfather, mentor, or friend—you have a role to play. Somewhere near you is a young man without a guide. You don’t need a title to lead him. You just need to show up, with a plan, and work it. And you need to stay. The crisis of fatherlessness will not be solved by policy. It will be solved by presence—one man at a time, one faithful conversation at a time.

I recently read a piece by my friend,

Adam Tarnow

. In it, Adam spoke of mantras... Adam wrote, "You say what you think and you act on what you believe." Then he gave a mantra that speaks to ministry to men succinctly: "Don’t speed up. Don’t slow down. Never stop."

Brothers—leading and guiding [young] men is an uphill climb. You cannot bring a downhill effort. Adam’s words are spot on, "Don’t speed up. Don’t slow down. Never stop." We must keep going. Steady beats flashy any day.

To help you NOT stop, I want to offer a few pathways. As you think about reaching men in your context, here are a few of my favorite tools:

BetterMan of course. Great starting point. You can’t become what you can’t define.

Covenent Groups

Freedom Fight

Aion Path

Forming Men

KOZ

Also, I get asked for recommendations on books about manhood. Here are a few of my favs:

JC Ryles’ Thoughts for Young Men

Steve Ferrar’s Point Man

Stuart Scott's Biblical Manhood

Thomas Watson’s The Godly Man’s Picture

Elisabeth Elliot The Mark of a Man

Nancy Pearcey Toxic War Against Masculinity

Lastly, my go-to Substacks:

Mason King

Adam Tarnow

Jonny Wills

Jonathon M. Seidl

For the King,

— Harp

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