Talk to me Goose
My Advice on Advice
"Declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, 'My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose..." — Isaiah 46:10
Advice can make or break you. We see this in the life of king Rehoboam. Soon after inheriting his father's [Solomon] kingdom, the people of Israel ask Rehoboam to ease the burden Solomon had laid on them (2 Chron. 8:8). In return, they promise Rehoboam, "We will serve you" (2 Chron. 10:5).
After forsaking sound wisdom (2 Chron. 10:7), Rehoboam seeks advice from his peers. They advise him against such compassion, encouraging him to mock his father and increase the oppression of Israel. Rehoboam agrees, boasting, "My little finger is thicker than my father's loins. Now, whereas my father laid on you a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke. My father disciplined you with whips, but I will discipline you with scorpions" (2 Chron. 10:10-11).
Rehoboam literally tells those he rules, "My little pinky is bigger than my dad's _______________ [insert word for male genitalia]." Like an entitled, glory-drunk frat boy, Rehoboam is off the rails.
Sidenote—this is crazy similar to what Pharaoh did to the people of Isreal: "That same day Pharaoh gave this order to the slave drivers and overseers in charge of the people: 'You are no longer to supply the people with straw for making bricks; let them go and gather their own straw. But require them to make the same number of bricks as before; don't reduce the quota. They are lazy; that is why they are crying out, 'Let us go and sacrifice to our God.' Make the work harder for the people so that they keep working and pay no attention to lies" [Exodus 5:6-9].
Much like Pharaoh rejected [Moses'] sound advice, Rehoboam does the same. The heart of Rehoboam and the heart of Pharaoh were not much different.
How does Israel respond? They kill Rehoboam's prime minister, rebel, and split the Kingdom (2 Chron. 10:19). Rehoboam ultimately dies, a foolish king ruling over a divided kingdom. His son, Abijah, takes the throne and is described as a 'sinful king,' following in his father's wicked ways [1 Kings 15:3].
The kingdom is divided. His lineage is wrecked. All because Rehoboam listens to bad advice.
Obstacles to Advice
Every day, as men, as leaders, we must make decisions. Some decisions carry more gravity, some less. But, no matter the weight, sound wisdom and advice are crucial if we want shalom and seek to honor God. And here is what I know: like Rehoboam, it is easy to ask advice from people who already think like you.
As men wanting to lead, it is essential to have access to spiritually mature people who can listen with an open mind and are not afraid to tell us something we'd rather not hear. We must be able to discern advice that is rooted in God's Word from advice that merely confirms our own biases. Knowing the difference requires carefully sorting through advice, measuring it against God's Word, and asking whether it promotes His will or our will. In Rehoboam's situation, the good advice he initially received would have required him to exercise patience, kindness, generosity, gentleness, and self-control. Had Rehoboam been willing to receive God's wisdom, the advice would have led to peace for the whole nation (2 Chronicles 10:7). In contrast, the bad advice tempted Rehoboam to go his own way [which he did], ultimately gratifying his own ego. It's no coincidence that good advice often requires us to grow spiritually, whereas bad advice usually encourages sin. The best advisors help us understand and apply God's word, helping us cultivate the fruit of the Spirit and Christlikeness.
Men, when you are seeking advice, I want you to be aware of these obstacles:
Thinking you already have the answers… As men, we often have difficulty assessing our own competence— we can place too much faith in our own intuition. The result is overconfidence and a tendency to default to solo decision-making based on prior knowledge and assumptions. Similarly, we can ask for advice when our real goal is to gain validation or praise. Men do this when they believe they have solved the problem but still want to "check the box" with bosses or peers.
Choosing the wrong advisers… Study after study confirms that men are more receptive to guidance from friends or other like-minded, likable people. It is important to remember: though friendship, accessibility, and non-threatening people impart high levels of comfort and trust, they have no relation to the quality or thoughtfulness of the advice.
President John F. Kennedy made this mistake leading up to the Bay of Pigs invasion. He didn't consult Secretary of Labor Arthur Goldberg for advice, assuming that Goldberg lacked the background. However, as journalist David Halberstam describes in The Best and the Brightest, Goldberg had run guerrilla operations during World War II and understood that guerrillas were "no good at all in confronting regular units." He explained to the president: "Whenever we used them like that, we'd always lose all our people….But you didn't think of that—and you put me in the category of just a Secretary of Labor."
Discounting advice… This was Rehoboam's problem; he discounted and dismissed the advice of his father's trusted advisors. This is known as 'egocentric bias' and happens when men lacking expertise put more stock in their own opinions than others' views.
Where to Look for Sound Advice
When I seek advice, rarely do I turn to my peers. I want guidance from someone who has been there. Someone who has been tested and tried—someone who failed but remained faithful. Someone who came out on the other side stronger. This only comes with experience and age. Of course, you already know this; it's why when you want someone to roof your house, only 20 years of experience will do.
Don't settle for your peers' limited [and often shortsided] advice.
Don't fall prey to the loudest and most popular voice in culture. If you're going with the crowd, you're already going in the wrong direction.
It is not the most famous voice you are looking for. It is the most faithful. Faithful beats famous every time.
Marriage advice? Find the guy who is faithfully married for 30+ years and talk to him.
Career? Find the guy who diligently served his employer for 30+ years.
Spiritual advice? Have breakfast with that deacon, the weird one who wears socks with his sandals. He is always at church, quoting Scripture and pointing people to Jesus. That's the guy I want to learn from.
And, of course, God's Word is the standard in all things. Take everything you hear with a grain of salt—measure it against God's Word. Seek God and His truth as you seek the sage advice of others. Remember, man's advice is prone to fail you, but God never will. It is the counsel of God that stands forever...
For you and with you,
— Harp
Looking for a space to give and cultivate advice? Why not launch a BetterMan group? Young men and older men sitting around a fire chopping up life’s peaks and valleys. Sound advice starts here…
