Walk Off Homers and Brothers Long Gone
My brother is dead and I'm sad.
Brothers
Maybe it is the holidays. Maybe it is Alex Van Halen’s words about Eddie [I just finished reading Brothers]. Either way, I feel sentimental and miss my brother this year. One of the last things we did together was see Van Halen at a show in Tennessee. He died shortly after, almost 20 years ago. He was 20.
He was perpetually tormented; mental health disorders and addiction proved to be the end of him. He died of an overdose in his truck. His heart stopped. To this day, it is hard to eat Italian food. He had just gone through the drive-through at Fazzolis, and the smell of death and lasagna had saturated the truck by the time I got there.
I do not have many memories of my brother. The Van Halen concert is my most vivid memory. We were separated by enough years to always miss each other. As I learned to drive, he played little league. As I finished high school, he was in middle school. As I was finished grad school, he was learning to weld. I chased girls, drank heavily, and drove a 67' Mustang; he was a 'late bloomer,' did drugs, and rode a motorcycle.
It is hard to fathom how two people from the same parents, who live in the same home and grow up in the same town, can end up so tragically different. I went away to college and never looked back, bouncing around 3 or 4 different cities before settling in Texas. He lived in my parent's double-wide, joined a motorcycle gang, and never went more than a hundred miles from home. If there ever was a case for free will, my brother and I are it.
I came to know Jesus in a real and saving way around the age of 25. I never got to share the gospel with my brother, only because, while he was alive, I didn't know or believe the gospel. My grandmother swears he was saved. I'm not sure if that's because she witnessed the Lord move in his life or because she was heartbroken. Time will tell, I guess, for both of us.
I think I avoid thinking about my brother because when I do, there is a heavy sadness. I was too narcissistic and self-involved to notice my little brother. He was too angry and distressed to care. I regret my lack of love for him, my lack of compassion and protection. 20 years later, I’m still sad. I miss him.
Let me encourage you this holiday season: seize every opportunity to tell the people in your life that you love them, no matter how different they are or how far they are from you. My brother was tormented, crushed under the weight of life, trapped in his own mental prison, and I didn't see it. Or maybe I ignored it or was busy doing something else. If I had the key, it would not have mattered. I wasn't around to use it.
This Christmas season, ask yourself:
Who do I need to reconcile with?
Who needs to hear my voice?
Who in my life could use a hopeful word, a friendly smile, a hand to hold?
As men, we love to take the initiative and lead out—rightly so! God wants us to take the lead. Maybe it is time we take the lead in reconciliation. Take the lead in forgiving others. Take the first step towards a wayward child. Towards an ex-spouse. Towards a former business partner. Maybe it’s time you called your brother, the one you have not seen in years.
Let’s take the lead in loving others. I’m often reminded that Jesus rarely shows up in a blaze of glory. Jesus usually shows up in a borrowed generator, a spare blanket, and an open door.
Walk-Offs
And for y'all who have lost someone who you know you’ll see in heaven… a friend shared an incredible post with me.
Josh Noem collects images of walk-off home run hitters rounding third base. He said, "I do this because this is how I view us entering heaven."
"Look at the faces of his teammates waiting to welcome him home, writes Noem. "Look at their excitement. They can’t wait to celebrate with him. Look at the fans. Arms raised, big smiles…"
It reminded me of what D.L. Moody wrote when he got word that his namesake and only grandson had suddenly died...
"I know Dwight is having a good time, and we should rejoice with him. What would mansions be without children? He was the last to come into our circle and the first to go up there! So safe, so free from all the sorrow that we are passing through! I do thank God for such a life. It was nearly all smiles and sunshine, and what a glorified body he will have, and with what joy he will await your coming! God does not give us such strong love for each other for a few days or years, but it is going to last forever, and you will have the dear little man with you for ages and ages, and love will keep increasing. The Master has need of him, or He would not have called him; and you should feel highly honored that you have anything in your home that He wanted" (p. 537).
Friends, I can't wait to round third base. Jimmy will be there. So will Mr. Don. And my aunt Rachel. And my mom—all waiting to celebrate with me. Who knows, maybe my brother will be there too.
Hope & Joy
This may be your first holiday season without someone you love who is now waiting for you in heaven. Maybe it’s another holiday with a big hole in your heart and an empty seat at your table. The pain and sadness is real. I know.
If you find yourself in a place where it gets unbearable, maybe close your eyes and envision yourself rounding third. Perhaps you’ll find a little more joy this year.
Rounding third and heading home,
— Harp
Know someone who needs to hear this? How about, this holiday season, you gift them a subscription to Good Trouble. It will bless them [and me too]!
Thanks for that!
Been a very long time since I thought of him. Thanks for that. It must be time.Too much story to tell, but at least you had Van Halen. In the end, my older brother got the last laugh. He died alone in a shed like house. 10 days later they found him. I hadn't seen him but once in the 20 years prior. Drugs, alcohol, and everything else, everything! I had a family and children I couldn't let him around. He lived with us for 3 weeks. Then I threw him out with all his stuff into the field across the street. He lived there in the dirt for months. Then he disappeared. So when I got the call he was dead, I thought Yep! Surprised it took that long. At the time he died, my father was 80 and my younger brother was working, and I was off for the summer. I'm a teacher. Guess who got the job. I flew out, hired a hazmat team to clean the house my dad owned so he could sell it. In the duration, this cost me my father who disowned me, taken out of the will, shamed in front of the family, and caused trouble between my wife and I. I had him cremated but no one wanted the urn, not even his children till years later. (4 kids, 3 wives) Yes, he was in my garage and I used to talk to him when I saw him in there.
There was a time I called him switch. He was the epitome of what I thought was a Christian for 6 months. He was sold into his word, never an agry moment, quoted scriptures all the time. To the day, 6 months, he became a druggy, party hound, etc. for 6 months. This went on for years.
It ended when he stole another man's wife. Too much there for here.
People I hang out with today, and guys in my groups, most of them speak of once saved always saved. It is a very contentious time when this is brought up. When I get there, turning that last bouy or pilon(I was a skier), I hope to look up and see him cheering while driving the boat, following me down the hill, like when we were young.
I hope to see him with all those who went before him (We buried 9 people in 10 years). Miss him? Hard to say. I will tell you when I see you there. God bless. Shalom
You might try the book: Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die!
Thank you my brother.
You got all of that one!
I didn't intend to weep this morning, but you've done it. Beautiful, transparent, and honest. Lord help us all.