Women Everywhere
And how it is wrecking our boys
Brothers, we have a generation of boys growing up without ever seeing consistent, godly male leadership. Most boys, before the age of 14, will rarely, if ever, be led, formed, or discipled by a man. And when they are? It’s often a youth coach… for a season… an hour or two a week.
Our boys are swimming in feminine headship. This is not criticism. It’s reality. 39% of them are being raised by single moms.
Another 20-30% [my estimate] are being raised by functionally single moms [dad is there, but he is emotionally, physically, spiritually absent].
Their teachers? Overwhelmingly, women.
Their principal? A woman
Their pediatrician? A woman.
Their church classrooms? Full of women [many of their "pastors" are now women].
Most of our parachurch organizations, from "young men's" conferences to after-school programs, are organized and staffed largely by women.
And hear me LOUD and CLEAR, women cannot train boys how to be men. Where men are absent, formation is incomplete.
Boys who do not experience godly male leadership grow up without direction. They have no vision of manhood. So they drift. They delay responsibility. They abuse women, or they become co-dependent on women. They search for identity in all the wrong places. Not because they’re bad, but because no one showed them how to be men.
Which is why I believe this is our moment. The answer is not more programs. The answer is men who will show up. This is not complicated. It is not theoretical. It is very practical. We need men who will serve. Who will step into kids' ministry at their church. Lead a group of middle school boys. Coach a team. Be present at their kids' school. Guide/mentor a young man. Who will show up consistently, not occasionally.
You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to be present, available, and willing to be used by God. Holy things happen when men show up.
When men show up, boys get a clear picture of strength.
When men show up, boys hear affirmation, male affirmation.
When men show up, boys learn responsibility.
When men show up, boys begin to believe things like,“One day, I can be like him...”
If we don’t step in, the gap will not stay empty. Culture will fill it. Screens will fill it. Confusion will fill it. Women will fill it.
When a boy grows up without seeing a male figure in authority—especially a present, engaged, healthy one—it doesn’t leave him empty. It leaves him unformed in specific ways. Not broken beyond repair. But underdeveloped where he needed formation most. Here’s what happens...
1. He Lacks a Clear Picture of Manhood
Boys don’t just need to be told what a man is; they need to see it embodied. Without that:
Masculinity becomes abstract or distorted
He looks to culture [friends, media, porn, influencers] to define it
He will swing between passivity [I don’t know how to lead] or overcompensation [I’ll dominate, control, or perform toughness]
If manhood isn’t modeled, it gets misdefined.
2. Authority Feels Either Threatening or Optional
A present male authority helps a boy understand strength under control. Discipline with love. Boundaries with purpose. Without it, authority can feel harsh, unsafe, or unnecessary. And the boy will likely resist all authority [rebellion] or shrink under it [fear/people-pleasing].
3. He Struggles with Identity & Affirmation
A father [or father-figure] does something no one else quite can. He says, "I see you. I’m proud of you. You’re becoming a man." Without that, the question lingers: "Am I enough?" The boy will often chase achievement, approval, and attention in all the wrong places. Or worse, he will disengage altogether.
Most men today aren’t driven by vision; they’re driven by a search for validation they never received as a boy.
4. He Misses Initiation into Manhood
Historically, boys were brought across a line into manhood by older men. Without that, the boy stays in a kind of extended adolescence. There is no clear moment where responsibility is given and expected, thus the boy delays ownership, commitment, and leadership.
5. He Lacks Formation in Key Disciplines
Men are trained, not just born. Without male leadership:
Work ethic may be inconsistent
Emotional control underdeveloped
Courage and risk-taking are either avoided or misused
Spiritual leadership is often absent
6. He Often Carries Quiet Anger & Shame
Even if he can’t articulate it, the boy will be angry, asking, "Why wasn’t anyone there?" Or worse, he’ll be ashamed, always wondering "Was it something about me?”
Anger and shame do not always show up loud. More often than not, they show up as numbness, disengagement, or lack of direction. [which boys are often punished for].
This is why, brothers, I need you to step forward. Not next year. Not when life slows down. Now.
Because somewhere in your church, your city, maybe even in your own home… There is a boy who doesn’t need a perfect man; he just needs a present one.
Show up. Step in. Stay faithful. For the sake of the next generation. And…
For the King,
— Harp
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: Beginning this Thursday, 10AM, I am going live on Substack to talk through the issues surrounding men. Each week, I’ll pontificate on a different topic. This will be a great way to connect and interact with many of you! Stay Tuned!
One way you can show up… check out what my friend TJ Greaney is doing over at KOZ…
Great article Harp! Informative and applicable…TJ is doing a great work 🙏