Young Men Grow Up When Older Men Show Up
High school boys don't belong in youth ministry.
"If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." — Isaac Newton
DA Carson, looking at the history of Israel and the modern Church, once remarked that 'belief' is cyclical... "one generation believes the gospel, the next assumes the gospel, and the following generation denies it..."
If Carson is right [and I think he is], then we are coming out of a spiritual winter [denial] and are on the cusp of a spring awakening [belief].
There is a generation ready to believe. Ready to receive the gospel. Ready to deepen their faith. The question I have is, who will lead them? Who will walk with them? Who will guide them, "toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus..."
"Young men grow up when older men show up."
Brother, your presence matters. If we are going to reach the next generation of men—men who know Jesus, follow Jesus, and then reproduce themselves—presence is the first and most important step.
Young men do not grow through online lectures. They do not grow through self-discipline, stoic philosophy, or the latest workout and diet fad. Men grow when older men show up, build something with them, listen, and invite them into maturity [as mentors or as fathers].
Anthony Bradley, a co-laborer I highly respect and admire, recently wrote,
It's Time to Rethink Everything. Let me be blunt: the 1950s/1960s youth model—designed in the mid-20th century to entertain teenagers and keep them out of 'grown-up' church—is failing our young men. Your son deserves better. It wasn't built for the current crisis of boys and men. It wasn't built for boys having to navigate a world saturated in social media messaging. It wasn't built for the kind of spiritual formation your sons actually need. Demand better for them. And it certainly wasn't built with covenant theology in mind.
Teenage boys today don't need a 25-year-old 'cool guy' handing out pizza and playing games. They need grown men to coach them about life. They need deep connections with their fathers. They need elders. They need consistent, older, wiser male presence forming them in the way of Christ through real-life engagement—building, eating, working, listening, praying, serving, loving their mothers and sisters well. That's what the data shows. That's what the Bible commands and models. And that's what the church is failing to deliver... Our boys deserve better!
The burden is twofold. First, churches must get serious about training, supporting, and forming fathers. Not just preaching about 'being a good dad,' but cultivating a culture where men are actively shaped into spiritual, intellectual, and emotional leaders at home—especially those who never had fatherhood modeled for them. Every father in the church should know he is not alone and can get help from any of his brothers at any time. He should be surrounded by a community of men committed to his growth and maturity in Christ and as a husband and father.
Second, we need to dismantle every system in the church that treats teenage boys as spiritual outsiders until they 'grow up.' It's utter nonsense. If a boy has been baptized into the covenant community, then the church has made a vow before God to shepherd him—not when he's 18, but now. That's not a program. That's not a nice idea. That's covenantal responsibility. And it doesn't happen in a youth room with beanbags and devotionals. It happens through sustained spiritual formation in the context of intergenerational relationships—where boys are brought into the worship, work, and wisdom of the men around them. High school boys don't belong in children's/youth ministry. They need their teenage years tethered to their fathers and the elders of the church—these men are their lifeline for crossing into adulthood. The data could not be clearer on this.
We have to stop treating boys like a separate category of Christian and then shame them for acting like children. They are not pre-Christians. They are not problems to manage. They are brothers. They are sons of the covenant. They are members of the visible church. And when we isolate them from the full life of the body, when we ignore their need for male formation by their fathers and elder father-figures in the life of the church, we deny what their baptism declares.
If the church wants to respond seriously to the crisis of fatherlessness, the boy crisis, and the breakdown of male development, it begins here: support the fathers, and embed the boys in intergenerational relationships in the life of the church. Create a culture where men see the spiritual formation of the next generation as an ordinary, expected part of Christian maturity. And when you baptize a child, mean it. There must be a clear rite of passage into the adult community—long before high school graduation.
Presence isn't optional. It's covenantal. And it's past time the church acted like it. Boys in the church are being shortchanged—and it's a shame. Parents must start demanding more. Churches need to stop outsourcing boys' formation to people who, according to the data, have minimal long-term impact and focus on the ones who do—ie., their fathers and father-figures in the church. Build the fathers and forge a brotherhood in community—because they're the ones who should bear the lion's share of forming the adolescent brain and soul into adulthood.
Carson is right. Bradley is right. The answer is intergenerational discipleship.
What are we going to do about it?
For the next generation. For the King,
- Harp
Need a place to start? BetterMan was built with intergenerational discipleship in mind. BetterMan is not the end-all be-all to your discipleship needs, but it is a strong start. An onramp—a place where younger men and older men can sit together, get clarity around God's good design for their lives, and experience the community of like-hearted men on mission together.
Solid message. Without men to model what a Christian man should be they look at secular models instead.
Amen brother. “Preach it.” I am thankful for the elders who invested in me over the years. Praise the Lord!